The story of Andrew.

A year after my oldest was born I was aching to have another baby. I tried and I tried. No matter who I was with or how many tricks I tried it just didn't happen month after month, year after year. Finally I was married to my second husband and we saw a fertility specialist that told me it was a condition in me and I'd never have a child without IVF.
My world crumbled out from under me. I sold all my baby stuff and turned the nursery into a storage room. I tried to get a thich shell and pretend I didn't like or want kids other than my beautiful 8 year old.
Then I started getting sick (this had happened with every miscarriage so I didn't give it a second thought) and stayed sick. Finally I started feeling an odd pain in my abdomen so my Dr. sent me for a stat ultrasound (right in the middle of the work day) and I was terrified something horrible was going to be found.
Laying on that cold table the tech running her scope over my abdomen I just happened to look over and see a teeny tiny foot on the screen! I knew NOTHING about tubal pregnancies so I assumed thats what it was. I was laying there dreading surgery when the foot MOVED. She then scanned more and I saw this tiny baby on the screen. In a torrent of tears, with dread choking me almost dead, I asked in stutters "Is is is that a baby? and she said "yes", I said "is it tubal?" and she couldn't answer so she just scanned the entire uterus to show me the answer to alleviate my worry and dread. I started sobbing so hard she couldn't finish the test so it took a bit for things to sink in and me to take a breath.
I was 14 weeks pregnant. Several weeks later we learned it would be a boy. But then the blood flow wasn't right so we had to have a "Level II Ultrasound" - we were so scared but it turned out things were ok and they stayed that way the whole pregnancy.
Then the lil bugger didn't want to exit so I had to be induced. Right in the middle of the labor the nurses rushed in and literally lifted my entire body and flopped me onto my left hand side. We were FREAKED OUT and demanding to know what was going on. We were told the Dr would explain when he got there! Finally when he did show up he said the baby had been in distress a number of times but that if laying on my left side didn't fix it then only birth would. However he didn't set me up for a C-Section. He went off to sleep!
As he slept I pushed for 4 hours with constant stops because the baby was in distress. Terrified by this point and angry but powerless I was very happy to see the Dr thinking he'd order a C-Section now. Nope. He was going to use forceps! In 2001!? Instead Andrew made his appearance, blue and silent.
They had paged for a resuscitation team who rushed in and grabbed my baby. (I didn't get to hold him or see him for 5 hours.) They worked on him and worked on him and FINALLY he made the tiniest little meowing sound. We burst into more tears than we were already crying, happily our baby had survived the stupid negligent Doctor.
He went to NICU with tons of needles and tubes but I couldn't go as my Epidural hadn't worn off yet (that idiot had given me so much too much it wasn't even funny). Finally after 5 hours of worry of the unknown they wheeled my baby into me. He was so big (8lbs 8oz) but looked so tiny and helpless. My dreams had finally come true, I had my second child in my arms.
His story will continue in a day or two.

Andrew grew and progressed normally and very healthy. He was never one to hug or cuddle or even sit on your lap but I chalked that up to him being a boy.
He lined his toys up according to color or some other pattern but I thought it was a sign he was smart at grouping things.
Things were pretty normal and quiet up until Kindergarten (he was fine in preschool half days). He suddenly went ballistic. He'd hit the teacher and other kids. He'd throw tantrums that were very alarming. The school didn't know what to do with him so they'd put him in the Principles office but when they did he'd sit and throw things at the Principle until we came and took him home kicking and screaming. The school for the longest time offered to do NOTHING.
I didn't know these were warning signs of a severe problem. I thought there was something wrong but didn't know what.
One day I took him to the dentist for the first time since his dad never did and they literally wrapped him in a Velcro blanket to get the work done. Once they released him it took me and two dental assistants to carry him kicking and screaming into my car. Once there he began throwing everything in the backseat at me. I had to pull the car over when he hit me in the head and my vision blurred for a moment. I knew something very was so very wrong with my little boy.
I took him to a Child Psychologist for testing but he would only say Andrew had severe mood disorders and anxiety and fear of failure. He refused to give a diagnosis of anything worse than ADHD because he believed it was bad to give such a young child a label that would forever follow him. This meant I couldn't get treatment because I didn't have a fully diagnosis.
FINALLY I found a way to get the school to test him and help him via what was called an IEP. Well, they tested for ADHD because of the stupid Doctor but never tested for anything else.
Andrew was put on meds that didn't help but via his special education teachers over the years he learned some coping skills.
Come first grade he did ok as the teacher was very regimented. When he did have a meltdown it took several people to get him to a safe place where he could calm down. This continued for a few grades. The school always lecturing me that he was setting himself up for social isolation from the other kids and leading a life of dropping out and criminal behavior (the Dr had said this too) but they never had any suggestions.
Andrew continued a life of being withdrawn and difficult and non-affectionate and very rigid in his thinking and behavior. I was  at my wits end with nobody helping me help my son.

We moved to Montana with Andrew still in custody of his father in Nevada. Andrew had yet another IEP 4 year testing and FINALLY they tested him for Autism. He is formally diagnosed with High Functioning Autism/Aspergers. He is EXTREMELY bright at school but lacks organization skills and social skills. He is very withdrawn and laughes at inappropriate times. He finds noise almost painful and he loves visiting us in Montana as it is very very quiet at my mom's house.

It is heart breaking to have a child that shows no warmth toward you. That struggles with everyday life. That can't read body language or the appropriate thing to do at the appropriate time. That lives in his head and his books instead of engaging with the family. But we are learning day by day how to adapt our world to his so that he is at least more comfortable in his own skin. We love him so much it hurts and we will continue to fight for him every moment of every day.

So this is a bitch and I can't bitch about it to anyone but myself so here is a post to myself I guess. I self medicate for my pain (know its fibromyalgia and think its also AIP (porphyria)) and every so often have to come off the self medication for a few days to prevent addiction. I waited a week or so too long and now have to be sick as fuck for a few days before I carefully and slowly go back to self medicating. It'd be a shitload easier if the Drs would medicate me correctly then I wouldn't have to go through this cycle.

So, you are sitting there in a waiting room, or maybe for the bus. You see a middle aged to elderly person sitting there smacking their lips and perhaps rubbing/constantly repeating a movement. You wonder why but then go back to your Vogue magazine and think nothing more of it.

Well, here is the answer. That person (who likely also either looked completely un-kept or extremely well kept) most likely has tardive dyskinesia. It is a disorder born of years, decades, of taking psychiatric medications. Almost ALL psych meds can cause this as can other drugs NOT in the psych category. Hell, the drugs *I* take have a low risk of this.

Most of these people are either living on their own barely able to get themselves out of the house or are in a care home situation and are looked after as well as can be expected.

Those who have to live on their own are often single (being young and mentally ill is hard enough, I can't imagine trying to find a spouse at an older age), often living purely on what SSA/SDI pays them, usually can't drive themselves around, tend to own pets as companions but can't afford to have them groomed or vet cared for. They tend to hoard in a minor sense since they have lost everything over and over in life. They usually won't talk to you because they've learned you won't want to talk to them. They seem to stare off into space often - if you are wondering what they are thinking, the answer is usually "white noise" - as in the thoughts are so fragmented and so fast and so faded and overlapped that they are just noise to fill the time.

The life of the mentally ill is not just a hard one, its a long string of pain, fear, nightmares, hallucinations, disappointments, frustrations, tears, fears, and loss - but without the coping skills most people have. They've little to live for thus the suicide rate for them is high. I can't stress to you enough (though I'll often try) just how painful mental illness is.

So take a chance, smile when someone "odd" looks at you.  Maybe say "hello". I'm not saying have long conversations. Those would likely be incoherent and end with them falling into a mental hole and have them start rambling then yelling. They get upset at their own thoughts and shortcomings a lot faster than you do. And they don't know how to deal with it.

But none of the above means we don't have good days - and I'm going to try to make today good even though "that hole" is in my heart again today and it feels the whole world is on my shoulders and an elephant on my heart.

Did you ever wonder what its like to have Borderline Personality Disorder, Bi-Polar II Disorder, and Social Phobia? Did you ever wonder what that woman on the bus keeps smacking her lips, or why that adolescent is acting like a toddler, or why that woman was crying moments ago and now is chipper and talking to those around her pleasantly? Well, when you see those things you may be seeing one of my disorders as listed above, or Autism such as my son has, or any number of other issues on their plate.

This is my place to put my "I wonder" type thoughts when nobody is there to ask them or I don't feel like researching them :)

My political posts will be LIBERAL, my LGBT posts will be favorable and frequent, and I'll do my best to not swear but I can't promise. :)